Staveley
hit by earthquake! Appeal set up for help from you...
A major earthquake measuring 8.5 on the Richter
Scale hit North East Derbyshire in the early hours
of Thursday morning, the epicentre being in Staveley.
These events are known locally as Chuffinhells.
News of the disaster was carried all over the world
by the towns 35,000 racing pigeons.
The earthquake decimated the town causing damage
estimated to cost £35 and is expected to rise
to as much as £50. Thousands of priceless
momentos from the Spanish Costas and the Balearics
are said to have been lost.
Staveley just hours before the
Chuffinhell struck
BBC Radio Sheffield reported that hundreds of residents
are wandering around bewildered and confused, looting
and muggings were widespread, however the local
police reported no unusual events.
A reporter interviewed a local 15 year old mother
of 3, Tracey Walley who said, "It was such
a shock. The whole room was trembling. My daughter
Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom
crying. Amazingly my twins Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm
slept through it. I was still shaking when Trish
came on the telly, just before dinner".
A British Red Cross spokesman said that relief was
at an advanced stage and they have managed to ship
in 4000 crates of Sunny Delight and 8000 pairs of
white socks. Morrisons have promised to stay open
24/7. The Chesterfield Co-op have suspended milk
tokens but trebled dividen stamps. If you're thinking
of sending a donation then make it microwave meals
or cans of Special Brew. Do not send anything that
needs peeling. More
on Staveley |
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LSE
shares shock...
As most of the world looked on as events unfolded
in Staveley the share prices of Matalan, Poundstrecher
and Primark have more than doubled in the first
two hours of trading. |
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Northern
gang leaders of the SubStaveley clothing cartel...
had their monthly get together at a secret
drinking location earlier this month, reports
Reuters. |
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Once
again they flaunted the law and wore stolen
designer gear. This time it was cardigans
that are soon to be launched by Harrods.
Al Fiad is said to be f**king furious
and has ordered a f**king internal f**king
investigation.
Pictured centre and known only as 'G' (short
for Germ) the gang leader is famous for surrounding
himself with women that do rude things with
hamsters. Nasty McNasty, left on picture,
has recently grassed on an associate for trying
to seduce a lesbian and failing. |
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Too
much water is bad for you! It's official...
Not only do fish have sex in it, water can
do some wierd things |
|
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| Dr Burgin
when addressing Staveley Womens Institute told
the audience that all water should be filtered through
hops and barley and then left to furment before
drinking. |
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